letter to my body:

Dear Beautiful Growing Vessel, 

Growing up, my body never felt like my own. I always felt like a carcass of myself. Existing beautifully for others to admire, but feeling hollow on the inside. I never felt like I’d had true agency over my body in any capacity. It always felt like the property of someone else. I always felt like my identity was chosen for me before I could even decide, and it resulted in me being estranged from my truth for a long time. “These beliefs about boy and girl continue to be passed on and affect people today. But no matter how long or how forcibly beliefs like these are held, the truth cannot be blocked.” (Gonzalez, 16) It took me until I started college and had my own experiences in the world to realize that I had been programmed to believe those ideas. I have been taught to view my vessel as less than or powerless because I am a woman. A woman is what I feel like on some days. Others, I’ve always desired to be seen as a person, but the world doesn’t hold space for people who identify as anything other than girl or boy. “Bodies had to be boy or girl, but it was more than just how a body looked. BOY and GIRL meant everything about a person.” (Gonzalez, 14) This has always left me feeling outcast and scrambling to blend in, even though you reacted viscerally to the betraying of my authenticity. 

It has been ingrained in my subconscious to believe that my body belongs to a man before it could ever belong to me. And for that, I sincerely apologize. I am sorry for all of the times that I so blindly fell victim to these debilitating perspectives. I am sorry that these ideals intimidated me enough to shove down authentic pieces of myself. I am sorry that the patriarchy wants me to be at war with you, or any other woman, or person’s body, for that matter. I am sorry for allowing the world to dictate who you are. Forcing you to wear clothes that make your skin crawl. Subjecting yourself to be addressed in any way other than what makes you feel seen. “Pronouns are for our bodies out in the world. Based on how we feel in the world, everybody can claim what pronoun is right for them and how they want to be known.” (Gonzalez, 32) I am sorry that it took me so long to realize how magical you are, but today and for the rest of my life, I celebrate you. You have created a home for my spirit to nest in. And for that, I am simply thankful. Although the world does a great job of trying to tear you to shreds, I want to remind you of your resilience and your strength. You are beautiful and always evolving. An eclectic, masculine-femme queer person. “This is the way of nature. Expansive and inclusive.” (Gonzalez, 18) And I promise to stand by you. To stay true to who we are. Because I am proud of our journey. It took a lot for us to get here.

Works Cited:

Gonzalez, Maya Christina. The Gender Wheel: a story about bodies and gender for every body. San Francisco, Reflection Press, 2017.